E207 - But What If I Fail Again?

Hey, and welcome to the Mindful Balance Podcast, your guide to stop emotional eating and overeating

and transform your relationship with food.

I am Rachel, a nutrition and emotional eating coach, and I'm here to help women like you

navigate through the complex world of eating habits, health, mindset, and emotional well-being.

I hope that each episode here will be a step on your journey towards a healthier you by

shedding light on different aspects of nutrition and emotional eating.

I am here to take out the need for quick fixes by showing you how it can be done differently.

Whether you're just starting out or looking to deepen your understanding, you're in the

right place, and if you're ready, let's dive in.

Hey and welcome back to the podcast.

I'm so glad you're here.

Today I want to talk about what I see as one of the biggest obstacles that stop women from

taking action when it comes to working on their overeating.

This is when you are too scared or you start something from the fear of it not working.

Many of you likely have had many attempts at stopping to eat emotionally, to overeat,

or binge eat, and you are at a point where you are not really sure you can take a different

path or that you can walk away from your current habits.

If this is you, today I want to break down that fear and show you how you can let it

go.

So let's first talk about what is this fear.

What are the underlying thoughts that make you question your ability to change or whether

or not a new approach will help you create that change for yourself?

When you have doubts, it is usually either about yourself, whether or not you can do

it, or about the action and whether or not it will work or whether or not it will lead

to a good outcome.

Either way, underneath both these thoughts is you wanting to avoid getting disappointed.

Now feeling disappointed is when your expectations aren't met.

Either you think that something is going to happen or that you will get something or that

you will stop doing a certain thing, let's say.

For example, in line with our topic, if you hope to stop using food for reasons other

than hunger and you are concerned that your expectations aren't going to meet as a result

of taking a certain action, disappointment on its own is a normal human experience.

We all have expectations and those aren't always met.

And when that happens, we feel disappointed.

Think about it.

Have you ever planned, let's say, going on vacation and it didn't happen?

We had this exact experience when COVID just started and we had a family cruise that we

planned.

It was all paid and all planned and it was supposed to be something that we do as a family

and I have never been on a cruise before.

And suddenly it was gone.

COVID started and the whole plan fell apart.

By the way, we never actually ended up going on that cruise, but I'm not too happy about

it, but that's really a whole other story.

This is an example of having a big, giant kind of disappointment, but we have also small

disappointments all the time.

You wait for a package and it gets delayed or you go out to a restaurant and maybe you

heard that the food is really good and the food turns out to be not so great or the service

is not so good and you kind of feel disappointed.

The point is that disappointment is part of life and expecting it not to happen is just

going to be a disappointment on its own.

I just had to get that one in there.

But it is also okay to acknowledge that it doesn't feel good to be disappointed.

We can say disappointment doesn't feel good.

So sometimes when people have experienced a lot of disappointment, especially in the

same area of life, they don't want to take any more risks.

It is like if I were to plan multiple vacations and they were all getting canceled time after

time, I would likely think that it's really not worth it to try again, at least not for

a while.

People don't want to do things that could result in them feeling disappointed.

I saw it happen to a friend of mine recently.

This friend of mine really wanted to write a book and she had a great idea and she had

hired a writing coach, which apparently is a thing in the writing industry.

And she had tried for years to write her novel and for many reasons she couldn't do it on

her own.

For example, she was having a hard time following a deadline and she just needed someone to

help her achieve this very reasonable goal.

And the relationship that she had with the writing coach didn't really work out.

It wasn't a good match.

And so she started questioning whether or not she was even built to publish a book.

So we were talking about what else can she do?

And maybe there was a different person that would be, let's say, a better match for her.

And while we were talking about it, she was very resistant to this idea of doing it again

or trying a different way, even though she knew that what she was doing wasn't working

for her.

She didn't want to be disappointed again.

She was tired of the disappointment and her coaching relationship with her previous coach

just really kind of made her feel like this is going to happen to me again and again and

again.

This is just one example, but it applies to people also.

I'm going to give you an example from a whole different area.

It applies to people dating and meeting people who aren't a good match for them.

It is also with couples going through fertility treatments, which are very painful and really

carry lots of big emotions.

Same for people trying to start, let's say, a business or overcome chronic pain, finding

a job.

There are so many examples everywhere around about people trying something and not getting

the result that they wanted.

But to relate it back to overeating, it is also when you try different methods, different

program and strategies to stop overeating without actually seeing the long-term success

that you are hoping for, whether it is something that you tried on your own or with someone

else.

Either way, you are putting the effort in but not getting the result that you were hoping

for.

And trust me when I say that when we have experiences like this, it can be hard to keep

trying new things.

I really so deeply can relate to that.

And because it is so hard, what people do a lot of the time is they stop trying or they

have lots of resistance to trying.

So they let months or even years go by before they find the courage to try it again.

So this is what I want to offer you today, if you can relate to that resistance, to that

kind of like fear that comes with thinking about trying something new.

We obviously can't know if this new thing that you want to do will be the thing, the

thing that will actually give you the success that you want.

We can't know if it will be the solution, if it will work this time, or if it will even

be the right time for you or the right approach for you.

But there is one thing that we do know for sure.

If you don't do anything, then you are staying exactly where you are right now.

If you continue to do the same things over and over again, for example, trying to start

a new diet or just trying to use maybe more willpower or wait for motivation to just show

up for you, you will, and this is kind of hard to hear, I know, but you will end up

right where you are right now.

You will just continue to get the same results that you don't love.

If you're not going to give yourself the opportunity to get new results, those won't happen.

They're not coming.

You need to stop telling yourself about probabilities, that it will likely not happen.

And you need to start thinking in terms of possibilities, or to be fair, to give it the

same amount of time and space in your brain, because you are probably putting so much power

into thinking about probabilities and what are the chances, and you're not giving yourself

enough time to think about the possibilities and what's available for you.

If you're going to think about the worst case scenarios, what if you tried some best case

scenarios?

You might as well, because you don't know what the future will hold.

So you are going to stop letting a fear of disappointment stop you.

Be willing to experience disappointment, because there is a chance that you might feel the

exact opposite.

What if, usually what ifs are about what if something bad will happen, but what if something

good will be the outcome of your next step?

Being scared of disappointment is being unwilling to feel, which goes along with so much of

what I talk about in this podcast, about being willing to feel instead of buffering, instead

of avoiding.

Allow yourself to feel that discomfort without seeking food, let's say, to make it go away.

On the other side of this fear, and I want you to really listen to this one, on the other

side of this fear is the life that you want.

And I am not exaggerating when I'm saying that.

Think about it for one second.

What if you will be disappointed?

What if the worst case will happen and you will be disappointed?

Nobody wants to feel it because it doesn't feel good.

I understand and I know it.

It's an overall down feeling.

You feel something maybe in your throat or your stomach, maybe in your general energy

level, maybe it is low, and maybe you just feel negative sensations all around in your

body.

But what if you let that emotion go through and not let it determine your next action?

People let that feeling, the feeling of not wanting to experience disappointment, people

let that feeling stop them from possibly living the life that they crave so badly.

I know it is not a guarantee, right?

Again, we can't guarantee any result, but not even trying out because you're so scared

of failing is 100% the only way to make sure that you are not going to get the results

that you want, that it won't happen for you.

What is the worst again that will happen?

You'll feel very down and you'll feel uncomfortable sensations.

And you know what, it will also be temporary and you are capable of feeling those feelings.

And I want to talk about that temporary part for just a minute.

I see women do this all the time when they overeat one day and they make it mean that

here I go again, I knew it, I knew that this is going to happen.

I knew that I can do X or Y.

I actually just coached someone about this specific topic.

She overate and she was really disappointed with herself and bam, it became this like

proof that she was almost like searching that she couldn't do this, that it would never

happen to her or that it would be so hard or it will take so long.

We make that disappointment, that temporary discomfort mean all these things about us

and about what's possible for us.

And it is not true, not for her.

It wasn't true for her and it's not true for you, which is why you need to stop using all

those hiccups or challenges as evidence against yourself.

What do we do when something happens?

We're like, aha, here's the proof.

I knew it.

I knew that it was not going to happen.

We kind of overlook all our progress and we just kind of like pick the evidence that it's

not going to happen or that we cannot do it.

When your narrative is that all these bad things have happened and you think that they

will happen again, then every little challenge will feel like a catastrophe and a kind of

guilty sentence from this little pocket judge that you keep in your back pocket.

So back to my client, what we did is that she had to list the things that she had been

doing well and all the progress that she has achieved because her brain was overlooking

all of these amazing things that she was doing.

And when she did that, she was all of a sudden able to kind of zoom out and see that really

nothing has gone wrong.

By looking at all of these things, she was able to shift back into believing that she

could stop overeating and that she would stop.

And her entire energy changed.

It's really amazing to see that.

We removed the disappointment and we made room to look at the situation with clarity

and curiosity instead of judgment.

We kind of like put that disappointment to the side.

We allowed it to be there, but we also looked at the bigger picture and we asked, what is

really happening here?

What is the actual evidence?

So now I want to kind of circle back to what we talked about in the beginning.

There will be plenty of times when you have expectations that aren't met.

It happens to everyone.

It will happen to you, but you have the ability really to stop it from lasting too long.

Because disappointment can be temporary and it doesn't have to take you years to bounce

back or to hold you back from the fear of it happening again.

It doesn't need to be so long.

Stop thinking about the what ifs.

There are car accidents happening all the time.

Do you keep thinking about the worst case scenario every time you get into the car?

I am going to guess that the answer is no.

Most people don't.

And if they do, then it really needs to change because we need to be able to move on and

stop thinking about the worst case scenarios all the time.

Otherwise, you're missing out on feeling hopeful and believing that you can do the

things that you want to do.

Personally, I would rather feel optimistic and hopeful and feel good and sometimes, yeah,

also feel disappointed when my expectations aren't met than the alternative, which is

never feel all those good feelings that are possible.

Nothing good happens when you act out of fear and self-doubt.

No one is taking positive action when they think, "It's not going to happen."

Nothing good comes out of those fear and anxious thoughts.

And I know that some of you may be listening right now and thinking, "Well, you know

what?

I'm just being realistic."

I love that one.

"I am just being realistic."

You know what?

That is just another way to protect yourself.

There are other things that you can do to minimize your risks without just being realistic

and telling yourself that you can't do something.

You can have realistic expectations, for example, that it will take you time or that it will

not always feel great or that you will face obstacles.

These are realistic things to keep in mind and you can be honest about also where you

are starting right now.

You can be honest, "This is where I'm starting.

This is where I want to go and I'm going to be realistic about it, but I am not going

to let this false realistic expectations and say that I cannot do it."

You can also do that by putting in the work.

That is the best, best way to minimize your risk.

But nothing honestly will happen without being willing to experience failure to some degree,

maybe.

Keep going.

Keep trying again.

Try in different ways.

Try something new because again, on the other side of it is the life that you want so much.

So be more afraid of not trying.

Bet on yourself.

If you're struggling with emotional overeating and the fear of not succeeding is what's holding

you back from trying right now, I am asking you to please send me a message.

I really want to talk with you and I will be happy to help you sort through that.

Creative coaching is helping you overcome this fear so you can open yourself up to opportunities

and make decisions that are right for you, no matter what you choose to do next.

Until next time, take care.

Bye-bye.

Thank you for listening to the Mindful Balance Podcast today.

I hope you enjoyed our conversation and found inspiration to find your unique balance and

growth.

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Bye.

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